When family is the safety net

One of my first adventures in Copenhagen was a guided walking tour. The guide spoke proudly about Denmark’s social welfare system and joked, “There is a rumor that kids who become eligible for social welfare throw secret parties.” I learned that everything you buy carries a 25 percent VAT, and income taxes can exceed 50 percent. In return, the state provides education through college and universal healthcare (though dental care is extra, he noted). Taxes on cars are around 150 percent, which helps explain why so many people bike everywhere.

Unemployment benefits are generous: people receive 90 percent of their previous salary, or up to 25,070 DKK per month (about $3,917) for the first three months, and 21,092 DKK per month (about $3,298) for up to two years. Tipping is not necessary unless you truly feel compelled because restaurant workers earn relatively high wages. Even right wing political parties in Denmark support strong social welfare. There is also extensive retirement welfare, including subsidized housing for older adults and public programs that help with elder care needs. There are ongoing debates about the free rider problem and the long term sustainability of such benefits, but the system has held up for decades. As my guide put it, it works because there is widespread trust in the system and in each individual’s contribution to it. This sounds compelling and yet foreign to me from a Korean and US perspective.

In Korea social benefits work differently, especially for retirement and unemployment. In many families someone who is financially stable supports others who are not, often well beyond just parents or children. My parents, for example, supported extended family members for years, both financially and in other ways. In our “saving face” culture this kind of help is not discussed openly, yet behind closed doors those in need expect it from those who are better off. Korea’s GDP per capita is about USD 34,000, compared to the European Union average of 44,000 and Denmark’s 75,000. While the numbers suggest less national wealth, I believe the deeper reason for this family-based safety net is cultural rather than economic.

I once heard Oprah Winfrey talk on a podcast about the expectations and direct requests of financial support she received from extended family members. She said it often felt like they saw her as a personal bank, which made close relationships difficult. Eventually, she held a family meeting to set clear boundaries. That kind of open confrontation may be rare in Korean families, but the underlying dynamic, the expectation of support, felt very familiar. So, this is not just about Korea.

Norman Rockwell, Freedom from want

Family support has always been important in my own life. My mother in law helped my wife and me tremendously in our early years, especially in raising our son and daughter. She visited us in the US and Germany, staying for months at a time to help with anything we needed. Altogether, she probably lived with us for over three years. Her own mother had done the same for her, so she saw it as both an obligation and a joy. I am sure there was satisfaction in helping her daughter and grandchildren, but it was also hard work. Yet she never treated it as a favor, and my wife never hesitated to ask. It was simply expected.

I received significant support from my own parents well into adulthood. I lived with them until I married, saving on rent. They helped me significantly when I bought my first apartment, supported my graduate degree tuition, and on several other occasions. These acts of help, and my willingness to accept them, in hindsight stood in the way of a healthier relationship between us. For example, would it have been easier to set boundaries on their unsolicited advice if I had not accepted their support? Would it have helped them to see me more as an adult rather than trying to control me under the name of love? The thought never occurred to me then. And frankly, I needed their support.

Many of my first generation Asian American friends navigate similar dynamics, balancing gratitude for family support with a quiet struggle for autonomy. Some send money home regularly, others feel weighed down by unspoken expectations. A few avoid certain conversations or delay major life decisions to prevent family conflict.

Among all racial groups in the US, Asian American retirees are the most likely to live with their children - about 30 percent compared with 25 percent of Hispanic retirees and just 8 percent of white non Hispanic retirees (Employee Benefit Research Institute, 2023). I think this can be a good thing, as long as it is done from a self-conscious, self-authoring mindset rather than being driven solely by cultural norms.

Which brings me back to Denmark. I cannot help but wonder if Scandinavian countries chose to build strong public safety nets, funded by high taxes, partly to relieve families of these burdens. Perhaps shifting responsibility from family to state was as much a cultural decision as it was an economic one, a decision to support individuals in becoming self-authoring.

This idea of self-authoring as an Asian American is at the heart of a project I am working on. I am writing a book to offer a different perspective on Asian Americans and leadership. At its core, the book explores how self-authoring, a concept from Robert Kegan’s Adult Development Theory, is essential to effective and sustainable leadership. I connect this to the ways in which deeply rooted Asian cultural forces, such as filial piety, group based thinking, and deference to hierarchical norms, often stand in the way of Asian Americans becoming self-authoring. The book also offers experience based insights and practical suggestions for how we can move through, and ultimately beyond, these internalized constraints.