5. Did you get chewed out by your boss?
If you’ve watched Korean dramas, especially those set in offices, you may have heard the phrase: “너 상사한테 깨졌냐?” Literally, it means “Did you get shattered by your boss?” But a better English equivalent might be, “Did you get chewed out by your boss?” It’s a common question used when someone looks frustrated or defeated after a tough meeting. In Korea, almost every office worker is familiar with this phrase, not just from TV but from lived experience. Being yelled at, belittled, or scolded by a manager is so normalized that people use the phrase casually, even humorously. But beneath it lies a deeper question: Why is this form of communication so common in Korean workplaces?
One of my Korean clients working in the U.S. often says, “I got challenged by my boss today.” We both know what he really means. He got yelled at. The phrase “challenged” is his way of softening what still feels shameful. And he’s not alone.
There’s a wide range of what being chewed out looks like. Here are some typical lines:
“What the hell were you thinking?”
“Why would you do it this way?”
“Why didn’t you do it?”
“You don’t even know this? Are you sure you went to college?”
“Are you really a manager? This is embarrassing.”
I used to be chewed out a lot by my managers when I was working in Korea. I once had a boss who ripped apart my draft report in front of me lacing his feedback with sarcasm but offering no specific guidance. I felt furious inside and ashamed. But I buried the emotion and revised the report. During a team dinner later, he casually admitted, “I always rip apart the first draft. People always come back with something better.” That was his method.
Freaky Tiger and Magpie: Korean 19th-century folk painting
Nobody likes to be chewed out, yelled at or belittled. Why do managers do this in Korea then? Or why do people accept this and not call out? When I asked my wife why this happens so often in Korea, she shrugged and said, “It’s in their blood.” It was partly a joke, but there’s truth in it. Here’s how I’ve come to understand it:
Performance through pressure: Many managers believe that chewing someone out leads to faster improvement. And sometimes it does, but through fear, not growth.
Deference to hierarchical and lack of agency: In Korea, you’re taught to obey your boss. Challenging authority can hurt your reputation. So people stay silent. Also, structurally, switching jobs is much more difficult in Korea based on small, tight labor market and the negative view of moving jobs by employers. Bosses and seniors know this and use to their advantage.
Cultural conformity: When everyone around you follows this dynamic, it becomes the norm. Over time, people stop questioning it.
In this environment, deference to authority and group based thinking aren’t just cultural ideals, they’re survival strategies.
This dynamic is different in the U.S., though not entirely absent. In American companies, if you underperform, you might not get chewed out, you might just get let go. Some managers offer useful critical feedback, but often, employees only realize they were underperforming when it’s too late. In contrast, in Korean companies, if you don’t do a good job, you are afraid of being chewed out, yelled at or in extreme, belittled. However, you rarely feel afraid of losing your job. In fact, if your boss stops yelling, it can feel worse: Why isn’t my boss engaging with me anymore?
Even in the U.S., though, yelling happens, especially under pressure. In the film Jobs, Ashton Kutcher’s portrayal of Steve Jobs shows him publicly berating his team. Professor Nelson Repenning, a leadership expert at MIT Sloan, once noted in class that people often misunderstand Jobs’s erratic behavior, mistakenly attributing it to his success. The reality is that Jobs was successful despite his relational shortcomings, not because of them. His extraordinary strengths and talents allowed him to succeed in ways most people could not. We all have the capacity to chew someone out when we feel threatened, disappointed, or superior. The question is do we know when we’re crossing a line? And do we understand what drives us to behave that way?
I’m writing a book to offer a different perspective on Asian Americans and leadership. At its core, the book explores how self-authoring, a concept from Robert Kegan’s Adult Development Theory, is essential to effective and sustainable leadership. I connect this to the ways in which deeply rooted Asian cultural forces, such as filial piety, group-based thinking, and deference to hierarchical norms, often stand in the way of Asian Americans becoming self-authoring. The book also offers experience-based insights and practical suggestions for how we can move through, and ultimately beyond, these internalized constraints.
When you’re being yelled at, or yelling at someone else, are you truly acting from your values and intentions for the relationship or the work? Most often, we’re reacting from fear, compliance, a need to assert control, or just following the norms that we want to change. These patterns might produce short-term results, but they rarely build the kind of leadership that earns trust or lasting respect.
In my book, I explore how cultural scripts shape our leadership behavior. “Getting chewed out” is not just a moment of humiliation, it’s a reflection of how fear, loyalty, and unchallenged habits operate beneath the surface. The more we understand these forces, the more choice we have. That’s what self-authorship is: seeing clearly, choosing consciously, and leading from within, not from fear. We can be candid and respectful at the same time, if that’s what we choose.