Title: The mother-in-law test

Subtitle: Self-authoring as a Korean American

Thank you for taking the time to read my book overview and excerpt and for sharing your thoughts!

As an executive coach, I've identified three core challenges that I have been working on over the past several years: 1) effectively challenging clients who are older than me, rather than defaulting to the view that they have everything figured out; 2) being judgmental of those who are reluctant to take risks for change; and 3) fighting the urge to tell clients what to do instead of coaching them to find their own solutions.

The first two challenges are deeply connected to the culture I grew up in. The underlying cultural values that contribute to them—filial piety, deference to authority, and group-based thinking—supported me in many ways during my early career. At the same time, however, they also hindered me from becoming a better version of myself.

Realizing that my cultural values were deeply connected not only to these professional challenges but to others in my life was a long and revealing process. For me, the real work began after I was let go from a job I had dreamed of—one that had made my parents proud. Through coaching numerous young leaders and seasoned executives, I've seen that many grapple with a similar inner conflict: a tension between how they believe they *should* live and lead versus how they truly *want* to. I am particularly drawn to supporting Asian and Asian American leaders who are driven and often quiet, and who tend to view vulnerability as a potential loss of face.

The first section of the book explores the concept of "self-authoring"—the journey from living within a framework of inherited expectations to consciously writing one’s own story. Drawing on Robert Kegan’s Adult Development Theory, I explain why this transition is essential not only for effective leadership but for a fulfilling life.

The second section examines why this journey of self-authoring is particularly complex for many Asian Americans. Cultural forces such as filial piety, group-based thinking, and deference to hierarchy can nurture gratitude and resilience, but they can also discourage questioning authority, setting personal boundaries, and finding the courage to do things differently. A striking example of this is the "mother-in-law test" in Korea, where young men evaluate life choices by asking how they would be judged by a future mother-in-law—a shorthand for how deeply family expectations and social approval can shape personal decisions. In my coaching practice, I see these hidden influences manifest in familiar patterns: a relentless drive to excel, the narrow pursuit of "safe" career paths, a reluctance to speak up in the face of authority, or a surprising harshness that erupts under stress.

The final section offers a path forward. Self-authoring is not about rejecting one's family or culture. Rather, it is about developing the clarity to see how those forces have shaped us, and then consciously choosing which values to carry forward and which to release. This work can feel risky, even disloyal, but it is ultimately what frees us to align our unique talents, personal values, and true purpose.

I write for Asian American leaders—and for anyone who feels caught between external expectations and an inner voice longing to be heard. This book is both a mirror and a map for that journey.

Except 1 - The mother in law test

Except 2 - Failure: The fast road to self-authorship