Title: The mother-in-law test
Subtitle: Self-authoring as a Korean American
Except from Introduction
My father spent his entire career at Samsung, rising through hard work, resilience, and loyalty. I was proud of him, and in my early years at Samsung, his presence and reputation often shaped how others saw me. Some of my bosses mentioned him to encourage me, to be friendly. Many colleagues assumed I would stay at Samsung for decades, as he had. Yet I felt a weight I couldn’t name — as if I were still living inside someone else’s story.
My father rarely expressed affection in a warm way, though I knew his heart was kind. His way of showing love was to point out the right path and expect us to follow, sometimes even spoon-feeding decisions. I knew it came from care, yet it landed as burden and obligation. Obligation loomed larger than intimacy. For years I tried to have deeper conversations with him but ended up hurting each other more with emotions. By the time I began to understand the dynamics Parkinson’s had already begun to silence him. I still wonder why I could not simply say, “I appreciate your advice. But I hope you understand my choice.” and invite us to meet in a deeper place. Looking back, the pressure of filial piety shaped more of my life than I ever admitted.
In my early thirties, I left Samsung, moved to the United States, and built a career in renewable energy. In my forties, I earned a promotion to lead a multicultural business unit, the kind of opportunity I thought I had worked toward for years. Two years later, I was let go. The shock forced me to reckon with myself: what had happened, and who did I want to become? Out of that pain came reflection, experiments, and, eventually, a new vocation. I became an executive coach.
Now, at fifty-two, I still sometimes wonder what my father, who passed away three years ago, would think of me. Would he be proud of who I have become — as a professional, a citizen, a man, a son? I hope so. I also recognize that while questions of parental approval are universal, the guilt and longing I feel are deeply shaped by Asian culture. Even after two decades in the U.S. and years of trying to live apart from inherited expectations, that voice is still inside me. And yet — without my father’s relentless push, I might never have broken free to find my own path. I am strangely grateful for that design.
This book grows out of that journey and learning from coaching many Asian American leaders. In its first section, I explore the idea of self-authoring — the process of moving from living inside other people’s expectations to writing one’s own story. Drawing on Robert Kegan’s Adult Development Theory, I describe why this shift matters for leadership and for life.
The second section looks at why this process is particularly complex for Asian Americans. Cultural forces such as filial piety, group-based thinking, and deference to hierarchy can cloud self-reflection. They encourage gratitude, harmony, and resilience — but they also discourage questioning, boundary-setting, and the courage to do things differently. In my coaching practice with Asian American leaders, I see how these hidden influences surface as familiar patterns: the need to be the best at everything, the narrow chase for conventional success, the inability to ask for help or share mistakes, the silence in the face of authority, or the harshness that erupts under stress.
The final section focuses on how to move forward. Self-authoring does not mean rejecting family, culture, or tradition. It means seeing clearly how those forces shape us, then choosing which values to carry forward and which to release. It requires experiments, accountability, trusted partners, and the courage to sustain effort through setbacks. The work often feels like betrayal, yet it is liberating: we align our talents, values, and purpose in ways that feel whole.
I am writing this book for the version of myself in my forties, who longed for clarity and courage. I am also writing for my children, and for Asian American leaders navigating the same tensions of culture, family, and ambition. The path of self-authoring is not automatic with age or education. It emerges through cycles of dissonance, reflection, and brave experimentation. Something stops working, discomfort builds, and eventually we ask: What am I doing? Why? Whose expectations am I living by?
This book is both a mirror and a map for those questions.
For more reading: The mother-in-law test article
Target Audience
Primary: Asian American professionals navigating careers in business, tech, consulting, and academia who wrestle with how they can be more effective in their leadership.
Secondary: Broader young adult to mid-career leadership audiences (20s-40s) interested in personal development, authenticity, and cross-cultural dynamics.
Tertiary: Parents, educators, and coaches who want to better understand the experience of Asian American young adults.
Outline
Introduction
My story of growing up working hard for achievement and being clouded at the same time under filial and group-based expectations; reflection of my journey in early 50s.
How I decided to write this book; what audience will take by the end of the book; introductions of book structure
The work of self-authoring as Asian Americans
Definition of self-authoring and how I chose the concept as the core for sustainable and effective leadership
Why self-authoring is particularly difficult and important for our life and leadership journey
The cultural clouds
How stories and examples such as “mother-in-law test” of three key cultural clouds - Importance of filial piety, group-based thinking, and deference to hierarchical norms - have impacted our success, mindset, and confusion.
Seven leadership patterns
Seven leadership patterns I observe through coaching with Asian Americans and how they are connected to cultural clouds
Courage for clarity
Why it is hard to see myself and the situation clearly, how taking courage to see myself is important for moving forward
How to: make sense failures, turn myself from actor to author; coaching story examples
Experimentation for change
Experiment as a building block for change
How to: design, execute, reflect from experiments; use coaching for effective experiment; coaching story examples
Overcorrection and resilience
Overcorrection as common roadblock for change
How to: recognize and move beyond blocks on the way; coaching story examples
Deeper contracts and paradoxes for self-authoring
Meaning of family and relationship as an Asian American
Making sense of loyalty and conformity
Managing self hypocrisy
Practical toolkit: Combining all tips across different chapters in one place with practical to-dos
Author
Joonki Song: Founder of Shimoo Partners, an executive coaching and consulting firm working with numerous Asian American leaders including MIT Sloan business school MBA, Sloan Fellows, EMBA program students. Frequent facilitator of leadership offsites, cross-cultural workshops, and executive coaching programs.
20+ years of professional experience across Korea, China, Japan, Taiwan, Germany and the United States, including corporate leadership roles.
Writing presence: personal website with published articles (on Asian American leadership, culture, and coaching).
