What will my father think of me?
I decided to write a book about leadership and Asian Americans. At its core, the book explores how self-authoring, a concept from Robert Kegan’s Adult Development Theory, is essential to effective and sustainable leadership. I intend to connect that to how deeply rooted Asian cultural values, such as filial piety, group-based thinking, and deference to hierarchical norms, often stand in the way for Asian Americans to become self authoring. I’ll also offer experience based suggestions on how we can move through and beyond those internalized constraints.
This week, I’ve been writing about the importance of filial piety in Asian cultures and its impact. As I research and revisit my coaching notes, one particular definition of filial piety has stayed with me, one that I believe sits at the heart of why many Asian Americans struggle to lead from a self-authored place.
According to Confucian teachings, filial piety involves three core obligations:
First, when young and growing, taking care of our body and behavior well to not to cause any worry to parents; not dying earlier than the parents
Second, taking care of parents physically or financially while they are living and honoring them after they passed away
Third, respecting and being obedient to parents’ intention and direction. Also, succeeding academically and professionally, thereby bringing honor to the family name.
Filial Piety, This Song dynasty painting served as an illustration of an ancient Confucian text called the “Classic of Filial Piety.” Here, a son kneels submissively in front of his parents. (National Palace Museum, Taipei, Taiwan)
The third expectation in particular makes so many Asian Americans hold them from recognizing their own path for lives and honoring their values, talents and purpose. One client of mine sees her pattern of staying in a job he clearly disliked for too long. For her, it is impossible to quit anything that are not being fully done for fear of losing her face. Another, in his early 30s, didn’t realize the career he was pursuing with full commitment might never have been his own dream.
For years, I too carried the heavy weight of filial piety, especially when it was reinforced by collective social pressure. I still feel its presence. I felt strongly that my parents had their preferences for my career path and other important life choices and expressed their disapproval when I made my choices that are different from theirs. I felt a significant fear of not being loved when I was making those choices.
As I’ve grown into my role as an executive coach and now write this book, I want to offer the perspective that we have a choice in how we respond to these cultural forces that will allow our life and leadership to grow. For Asian Americans, especially, it’s even more important to recognize the cultural influences, discover our values, talents, and purposes, and experiment with new behavior.
The truth is, I still sometimes wonder what my father would think of me, whether he’d be proud of who I’ve become as a professional, a citizen, a man, and a son. And now, as a father to my own son and daughter, I try to speak openly about these inner dynamics. I hope they hear not just my doubts, but also the nuance and complexity I’m learning to hold. In sharing that, I hope I model a different kind of love, one that helps them to see themselves more clearly and become a self-authoring leader.